Relationships

All my life I have been looking for a relationship where I could trust the other person. On occasion I have thought that I had found such a thing. But time has a habit of changing things and people. So I find myself alone again.

For awhile I took the attitude that “Humans will screw around.. If they think there is a good chance of not being caught”. This gave me a shocking outlook on life. But I slowly mellowed, changed my attitude and continued to look for love. As the years progressed, so did my encounters with the opposite sex.

Yet somehow I was never able to find someone who was happy with just me. Words of Love are easily spoken. But actions unfortunately don’t always coincide. As the gap between the two becomes larger. So does my annoyance with the relationship.

It seems the more you love a person. The more that person can upset you. I tend to give love everything. So disagreements are devestating to me. Not so the other person however.

Is this an indication that it’s a one sided love affair?

Somehow I seem to manage to be with people who can happily sleep without “making up”. But, I can’t sleep after a disagreement.

My mind just keeps going around and around. I fill in the “blanks” with the worst possible and convince myself that MUST be the reason. Which it invariably isn’t. But I still manage to work myself into a “state” over it.

As an INFP I tend to have “unrealistic expectations”. Which I am NOW aware of. Knowing this fact, I think, has the tendency to temper my judgement. However, when confronted with sarcasm, put downs, even childish “making fun” of physical defects by my partner, I just can’t take it.

I feel like the relationship must be a lie. How can my partner treat me this way if they love me?? I get upset that my partner would treat me in such a manner without knowing or careing about the huge impact this treatment has on me. It’s worse for me when the other person knows that I will meltdown. But does it anyway. I become depressed. How can someone love you but hurt you?

I hate conflict. But I hate living a lie in a loveless relationship more.

I guess this is why I am single.














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